Jaws: The Revenge

"And what shark wouldn't want revenge against the survivors of the men who killed it?" -Roger Ebert.

Oh, Jaws: The Revenge, where to start? The third sequel to one of the best adventure movies ever made as well as the movie to invent the Summer movie season. This film is legendary in it's own right but unfortunately it's for being an absolute train wreck. Since I was obsessed with the Jaws films as a kid, I loved this one as well. Now I look back on it and can only wonder, "What the hell was I thinking?" I should also preface this by saying this is a spoiler filled review because there is just too much awfulness to throw shade at to not do that. So, be warned if you want to be surprised by the amazing awfulness. 

Anyway, the film opens once again on Amity Island and it's the Christmas season no less. We once again re-join the Brody family, or at least younger son Sean (played by Mitchell Anderson) and the recently widowed Ellen (played again by Lorraine Gary). Sean is working as a police deputy, following in his father's footsteps. One night he is told he needs to go out to the harbor on the Police boat and clear some debris from a channel marker. He does and as he tries to get the debris free, a shark pops up and attacks him. It's a pretty harrowing scene to be fair and made all the more horrific by the fact that his screams for help are drowned out by carol singers. 

Older brother Michael (played by Lance Guest), now working as a Marine Biologist, returns home with his wife Carla (played by Karen Young) and daughter Thea (played by Judith Barsi) to an understandably distraught Ellen. Michael suggests that Ellen come down to the Bahamas, where he is currently working and stay with them for a bit. She accepts, but it also becomes clear the Ellen is more in need of some serious psychotherapy. She begs Michael to quit his job and stay away from the water. She is convinced that sharks are after her and her family. She also states that Martin died of a heart attack from the fear of sharks (Um...what? At last count, he was 2-0 with sharks. If anything he should've been a bit cocky about it). Furthermore, if you're convinced sharks are trying to kill you, you just move inland, preferably somewhere in the midwest. "Ha, ha. I'm no where near the sea. Game on shark!" Ellen then blows a raspberry in the general direction of the east coast. But alas, if she did that, there would be no movie. Which would've probably been a good thing, but then Michael Caine shows up as local pilot, Hoagie. He is certainly one of the few bright spots of the movie, even if he has made no secret that he did it for the money and what was essentially a paid vacation to the Bahamas. 

Ellen arrives in the Bahamas and begins a bit of a courtship with Hoagie. It's all charming and fun and occasionally punctuated with dream sequences of Ellen being attacked by a shark, which is annoying because dream sequences are always annoying. Meanwhile, Michael and his research partner Jake (played by Mario Van Peebles, rocking the most ridiculous Caribbean accent ever), discover that a Great White shark is stalking the waters around the Bahamas. Of course, it's the same shark having made it's way from New England to the Bahamas in record time. It keeps stalking Michael whenever he goes diving and at one point attacks their research barge, chewing up part of the dock while everyone looks on. It's all very strange and ridiculous, especially considering Michael keeps going into the water even though he knows the shark is after him. But that is just one of the many logic errors with this film. There are a few more sequences with the shark, looking faker than usual by the way, but they are few and far between as the filmmakers seem more focused on Ellen, her burgeoning relationship with Hoagie and her relationship with Michael, Carla and Thea. And that would be fine, but that's not the movie we signed on for. This is Jaws 4, not How Ellen Brody Got Her Groove Back. It doesn't help that it's all boring at best and ripping off scenes from the original Jaws at worst (Michael and Thea do a repeat of the silently mimicking each other at the dinner table routine that Martin and Sean did in the original film). 


The film finally picks up steam again at the end as the shark tries to nab little Thea off a Banana boat ride but instead nabs the woman behind her (it helps that the woman puts her leg in the sharks mouth and grabs on to it). Realizing that the shark is just going to keep coming, Ellen decides to steal Michael's boat, drive it out to the middle of the sea and offer herself as a sacrifice, I guess. The movie never makes it clear. Michael, Jake and Hoagie discover what she is doing and go after her in Hoagie's plane. This leads to my absolute favorite moment in the entire film. They find Ellen and the boat, stopped in the middle of the ocean and decide to crash the plane and swim over to the boat. Michael and Jake get out of the sinking plane and swim across to the boat without a problem. Hoagie then get's out and the shark surfaces and attacks. Hoagie's reaction is to say, "Oh shit." The tone though is not one of terror or fear but rather mild annoyance, like he just spilled a drink or something. I can't help but laugh hysterically every time I see it. He then proceeds to evade the shark, somehow as the movie doesn't elaborate, and climb aboard the boat. Even more impressive is the fact that his shirt is completely dry. 

From here, there are two versions of the movie and one is decidedly better than the other although neither would be considered great. Michael and Jake put together a device to feed to the shark that will electrocute the hell out of it with a receiver being controlled by them on the deck. Whatever, it's movie science. Anyway, in the process of feeding said device to the shark, Jake is grabbed from his perch on the boat's bowsprit, breaking off part of it as well. Jake is pulled under by the shark to the horror of everyone on board. Michael, now properly pissed, uses the receiver to repeatedly shock the shark, which begins to roar and rise out of the water as Ellen drives the boat directly towards the shark, while having flashbacks to scenes she wasn't present for of Sean getting killed and Martin killing the shark in the first film which makes no sense at all. 

Here is the point where the two endings diverge. In the original theatrical (and broadcast T.V version), the shark is impaled by the broken bowsprit, falls into the ocean and tears the boat apart in the process. In the video version, the shark is still impaled but them suddenly explodes for absolutely no reason. We then cut to Ellen, Michael, Hoagie and surprise a surviving Jake floating in a tank at Universal Studios. It's supposed to be the ocean I guess, but the waves lapping against the painted background horizon tell another story. It really is just the pits. 

The original theatrical ending was the better one because it was at least original, if nonsensical, and Jake wasn't miraculously resurrected either. Either way you slice it though, the ending is beyond ridiculous. Sharks don't roar, as I made clear in my Jaws 3 review and they can't stand on their tail on the surface of the water to get impaled by a passing ship. I thought it was a cool ending when I was ten years old and then I learned about physics. Now it's just funny in it's complete ridiculousness. Who thought this was a plausible ending? I just don't understand it. 

But then again, that's the charm of movies like this. You watch them with a group of friends and you make fun of it the whole way through. This is why we had MST3K (oh my god, I would pay money to see Mike and the Bots go at it with this one) and now have Rifftrax. Between the absurdity of the plot and the perfectly misguided performance of Michael Caine (who clearly is fully aware of he is in a crap movie), almost makes it worth watching. Do it with friends, encourage copious riffing and you'll have fun with it. Then afterwards, really test their endurance and put on Dragonball Evolution.