The Covid-19 pandemic raised hell on the movie business as theaters were forced to close the world over. This meant massive delays in releases. One of the more curious surprises was that one of Disney's big tent-pole movies would move to Disney+ rather than premiere in theaters. However, after viewing the newly released movie, it's easier to see why they made that decision. To put it mildly, this movie is a massive mess.
Artemis Fowl (played by Ferdia Shaw), lives on a secluded estate with his father, Artemis Fowl, Sr. (played by Colin Farrell). When his father goes missing, Artemis discovers his father is a master thief and is being held ransom by a mysterious figure in exchange for a artifact known as the Aculos, that Artemis Sr. had stolen and hidden. Turns out the Aculos was a prized resource for a hidden city of fairies and Commander Julius Root (played by Judi Dench) charges young fairy Holly Short (played by Lara McDonnell) with retrieving it from Artemis Fowl. Initially kidnapping Holly, Artemis asks for her help in searching for the Aculos to rescue his father. With the help of an oversized dwarf named Mulch (played by Josh Gad) and the Fowls butler, Domovoi Butler (played by Nonso Anozie), they work together to get the Aculos and rescue Artemis' father.
The film is directed by Kenneth Branagh from a script by Conor McPherson and Hamish McColl and is based on the book of the same name by Eoin Colfer. Now, I never read any of the Artemis Fowl books but I am familiar enough with what they are supposed to be about and this movie does not resemble that in the slightest. Artemis Fowl was always supposed to be the bad boy of YA literature, a clever pre-teen thief turned anti-hero. But this movie has been subjected to the usual Disney sterilization of anything remotely objectionable and therefore scrubbed clean anything that could have possibly have been entertaining or interesting about him. The plot of the film is just a recycled mess of YA cliches. The kidnapped parent, the secret underworld of fantastical beings hidden from human eyes. The clever kid is charged to save the day and rescue their imperiled parental figure. None of it is done with any sort of originality or wit. The world building needed for a story like this is muddled and uninspiring. At least the film looks good, with decent special effects and some cool production design, especially with the Fowl family home. But if my eyes are wandering and taking in the sets rather than focusing on the story, that's probably not a good sign. The actual plotting of the film is the biggest piece of this mess. The film is all set-up without any sort of genuinely satisfying payoff. It commits the same cardinal sin so many movies like this has: it is so committed to setting up a franchise of films (no doubt hoping to be the next Harry Potter), it utterly fails to create a satisfying single film. The film is only entertaining in small bursts, with the biggest standout being Artemis and company having to fight off a large troll that has infiltrated Fowl manor that only left me making Harry Potter referencing cracks at the movie's expense throughout.
Without a good script, the actors are left adrift with little to nothing to work with. Ferdia Shaw comes across as bland and uninteresting, which is deadly in a movie where he his the main character. Lara McDonnell likewise has little that is interesting or new to bring to her character as well. Judi Dench, decked out in a pair of large foam rubber pointy ears comes across as a mix of bored and embarrassed. Josh Gad is the film's saving throw as Mulch, a dwarf thief who can unhinge his jaw in a rather grotesque way and swallow any number of things to hide them. He plays his role so big he does everything but literally chew the scenery. Oh wait, actually he does a bit of that too. He's entertaining any time he's on screen, but one fun character does not make for a good movie.
I watched this movie this morning largely in a stupor of disbelief. I struggled to reconcile that a film directed by a man who made Shakespeare accessible to my generation through films such as Henry V, Much Ado About Nothing, and Hamlet had fumbled this movie so badly. The film suffers with no passion behind it for the material from the filmmakers, no wit or heart nor any sense of magic or wonder one would expect from a fantasy film. It is an utterly lifeless slog, even at a comparatively brief 96 minutes. It's not even so bad it's good that would be a fun watch with friends to make fun of. It's just an aimless, confusing film that leaves the door open for more. I, for one, am closing the door and saying thanks, but no. Just another failed YA adaptation to throw on the pile with the likes of The Golden Compass, The Mortal Instruments and many others I have no doubt already forgotten about.
